Things People Don't Say

*This photo is an accurate depiction of my true self.

*It has a beautiful flavor.

*Why don't I have naval lint today?

*In this campaign, we're strong believers in the power of polls.

*The stock doubled overnight on takeover news. Why weren't the insiders buying?

*Don't eat this herb before sex.

*I put two pairs of socks in the wash, and three came out.

*I'm just an actor. Why are you asking me all these political questions?

*This sunset looks like a bad watercolor.

*I'm still waiting to get born again.

*That mosquito I just killed...I wonder what it was doing at this time last week.

*By comparing performances against the same opponents, I've concluded there's a 78% probability I'll get knocked out by the fourth round.

*I used to think I was spiritually enlightened. But it was just arrogance.

*I just can't seem to get this shit smell off my hands.

*Hell, if I were 8 inches shorter, I couldn't have made a high school team, let alone a professional one.

*The doctor gave him six months to live, but he died in four.

*In the next gallery, you'll see some of the finest examples of pre-cubist art.

*I'd drop belief in a biblical creation in a second if there were evidence otherwise.

*The power went out at 4:00. Fortunately, I saved all my work at 3:59.

*The enemy claims that they're not targeting civilians. Actually, it's true.

*Yes, I used to take steroids. Now I'm clean, and you can test me anytime.

*This tsunami is god's punishment for, for...well, I'm not sure what it's for.